O, Monday ... How I Loathe Thee

* Disclaimer - I put this post up, then felt so embarassed I took it down. Then a good friend said I should have left it up, that it lifted her spirits. So I am going to put this back up but PLEASE do not comment. I would be so embarassed if you thought I was fishing for compliments. You are all such good friends that I KNOW you will want to cheer me up but it will just make me feel silly.

I hate Mondays. I get in the worst funks on Mondays. Maybe it's not just Mondays, maybe I'm just in a funk and have been for a few days ... "Help! I've fallen in a funk and can't get up!"

So, I've decided to do a little self-therapy blogging. It's cheaper than shopping and less fattening than chocolate - oh man, chocolate would be so good right now!

#1 Reason for my funk today ... I didn't go to the gym. I went to help in Marley's class this morning instead and, although it was much more satisfying to see her smile when I walked in, I still miss that endorphine high when you run. Yes, I could have gone early in the morning before everyone was up but I didn't. Maybe I'm a little annoyed at myself for not just getting up and getting it done too.

#2 Reason ... my house is a wreck. It always is a wreck on Monday mornings. I hate that. There isn't even one room that I can call clean. I took yesterday off. And now I feel anxious and overwhelmed by the huge mess.

#3 Reason ... we are leaving for Arizona on Friday and I haven't packed. I haven't even made a list yet. This makes me very anxious.

There are other reasons - there always are. You know what I realized though? I feel inadequate. It seems everywhere I turn there is someone I wish I could be more like. I wish there was just one thing in which I was GREAT. I had a lengthy conversation with a friend at church yesterday. She feels ugly and dumb. And for the life of me I DO NOT see it. She is so beautiful. I truly wish she could see herself for just one minute the way others do. The funny thing was - she was aghast when I told her that I was self-conscious too. There are so many times when I feel so dumb - I walk away from talking with people and hit myself over the head about all the stupid things I just said. We each saw in each other things that we couldn't see in ourselves.

We had a Relief Society activity last week and I have keep replaying over and over again that there are times and seasons in everyone's life. What is this season for me? We discussed how everyone has their own talents and gifts. What is my gift?

And I have to say I have amazing friends. One of my friends inspires me like you can't believe. Who ever would think I would be running? Let alone considering a half-marathon? But she really thinks I can do it. Another friend is the kind of person who everyone says is "so sweet". When you meet her for the first time, you walk aways saying, "Wow, she is so sweet!" Another is powerful. When she talks, people listen. They ask her for advice. She isn't afraid to say things exactly as they are. She isn't afraid of speaking her mind. I have a sister-in-law who is intelligent. Doctor intelligent. Mayo Clinic Doctor intelligent. And she doesn't mind when you call and ask her stupid questions. It is impossible to play Trivial Pursuit with her unless you go into it knowing you are just going to lose.

Another is beauty personified. Everything she does and says is beautiful. She can take a plain room and decorate it in one afternoon, transform it to something amazing. Her home is perfectly accented and clean and welcoming. I actually went jogging with her this weekend - I was dripping snot from my nose and breathing hard and I look over at her - with a smile on her face and running with her cute outfit not even breaking a sweat.

I have another friend who makes everyone feel loved. EVERYONE. Have you ever met a person that makes you feel welcome the instant you meet her? She is always always happy for you. She is supportive. She empathizes with you. You can tell she loves you so much that she feels not only for you but with you. She drops everything she is doing to be with you when you need her. She will let you cry on her shoulder for the stupidest reasons, during the middle of church in the women's bathroom.

Then there's my mom. She is all of these things. I miss her so much some times. I really wish I lived closer to her. She really has turned into one of my best friends. I have to be honest - one reason I have decided to finally lose weight is so I can be the mom to my kids that she was to me. She is beautiful; she is so fun and so cool. She ran around and played with us. She played sports, she was good too! EVERYONE wants to be her friend. She makes EVERYONE feel accepted. You can tell her anything and she will not judge you. And she can really make me laugh. Somehow, when you laugh with my mom everything seems so much better. I want so much to be a cool mom like her.

Then there are my sisters. It hit me like a ton of bricks just now - I am nervous to go to Arizona this weekend. They are so so beautiful. They are gorgeous. I have always felt like the ugly duckling around them. I know that I will always be the least attractive one in any picture I ever take with my sisters. I want so much for them to be proud of me. I want so much to fit in. I have lost a lot of weight, but will it be enough? Will I be able to stand next to them?

So, sitting here, feeling inadequate and I stumble onto this quote ...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson

Am I actually daring to second-guess my Heavenly Father? Do I really not trust in him enough to see the beauty and light that he has so graciously given me? Am I thwarting his plans for me by daring to just choose not to believe in Him and His powers and His plan?

So - this is the thing - will I EVER be as cool, beautiful, loving, friendly, sweet, intelligent as any of my friends, my mom, and my sisters? Probably not - at least not in their way. But I do have my own way. I don't really know what "my way" is or what "my gifts" are but I know that I have them. For now, I will take a deep breath, pick a room and start there. I will go room to room with some music on and clean my house, then I will start some laundry and then take my kids to see a movie. Because, right now, that's good enough.